Yes. I am having a mixture of feelings.
At times, he can make me feel so happy.
Yet other times, he can leave me crying.
At times, he can make me feel secure & calm.
Yet other times, he can make me feel frustrated & irritated.

The first time I get to know him, I had no intention of being more than friends.
I was too hurt already. & I was happy being single & alone.
Eventhough, at times I felt lonely & yearn for someone's love so much.
But as time goes by, little did I realise that this feelings for him have gone this far.
I hope, it can be controlled & it won't drift further so much.
I don't want to be hurt again & again.

He's nice to me. But then again, I'm scared it's only for a short while.
I'm scared he will change & show his true colours.
He always make sacrifices & have been patience with me.
& I'm scared he will lose his patience & get bored with me.
Cos all my ex-es are all like that. They were only nice in the beginning.
Then, they will change from a faithful & loving person.
To someone unfaithful, angry & uncompromise person.

No matter how good he is that he have shown me.
& how his sister has tried to convince me of his good behaviour.
I still have this insecure feeilng. I'm so scared.
Yet at times, I just wanna let it all out.
I want to be loved so much & also loving a person with all my heart.
Why this time round, it seems so hard? Why?
Sometimes, I blame myself. For being stupid, naive & so hard-headed.

Last time, I used to be so naive in love. So so naive & soft-hearted.
Always crying to the guy whenever they leave me.
Crying & doing stupid things whenever I had a break-up.
I used to sacrifice so much for a guy. Loving them with all my heart.
Spending every bit of my time that I have. Faithful to them.
Till I deleted all my guy contacts & stopped going out with my guy friends.
Like how they asked me to. & yet what did I get?
They get bored with me & went out with some other girls.

& now, I'm the one who is so hard-headed.
Refusing & trying to avoid love as much as I can.
I know I'm hurting him with all my words.
But I'm doing this for my own security.
I want to be in love deeply. But I'm scared to do so.

Seeing him reminds of the OLD me.
& I know how much it hurts him like how I did last time.
Which is why I blame myself for being like this.
Am I really wrong? Shoud I really be this way?
Am I selfish for being this way?
Cos just to keep myself secure, I'm hurting others?
But when I'm so nice, guys tend to take advantage.
So what should I do? I'm confused. :(

P.S: I hate Kamal. He's such a procrastinator.
Blogged @ 2:32 PM
Aqeeda

God. It hurts so much. I can't take it any longer.
I've been crying since afternoon just now.
Mye eyes are in pain right now. Haiz.
I really hate you right now. Don't you bother me again.

For the past 2 wks, I've been asking you to go & check.
But you never did. You didn't make time for it.
You know how I am looking forward to this trip.
& you just have to blew it away don't you?

I've been planning for this trip so hard.
Been calling up the hotels to check the latest check-in timing.
Calling up the ICA to check on your passport.
& all I get from you is you can't make it for the timing.

Seriously, it was a total disappointment & stress for me.
Just to handle all these things. It's stressful.
Plus, with the release of exam results which was a total sucks!
My GPA drop further to 3.7 lars. Haiz.

I can't type anymore. My brain is now jammed.
Toodles aite.
Blogged @ 8:08 PM
Aqeeda